Faith, Me, the Wonder

I’ve heard this somewhere,

“If you don’t believe in something, you will fall for anything.”

I find it true because I know how weak I am.

I don’t believe in God of any religion. It’s both unfortunate and fortunate.

I was raised in a family mixed with Chinese traditions, Taoism and Buddhism, but at its core, it’s “enough worries about living so not caring much.” So faith was never really a topic in the house.

For a while in high school, I really tried for Christianity, because just about everyone in the community was Christian. For a whole year, I went to church, bible study group, youth group, etc. Maybe the big guy just didn’t speak to me. I didn’t feel much, or I couldn’t.

After a while, I came to realize that maybe I am incapable of such things – religion; to believe in things like the others do. It just seems illogical to put your heart and soul on something unknown. Perhaps, that is the point – only such unknown, untouchable, unseen… can be perfect and never let you down…

It is incredible though; what faith in any religion can do. The power to change, the strength, the rules, the kindness, the forgiveness and all that keeps the believers in good will, even with some in the wrong direction.

I can’t understand such things. It is simply a wonder to me. Where does the strength come from?

I believe in people. It is a strange thing, I know. People let you down. No one can constantly love you and support you, even the dearest friends and family. They all have a life of their own to live. That is nature. That is life.

This is the unfortunate part of believing in real living people. I am not strong, not at all. I am weak and I need these people I love and believe in so much. They are not always there. No one can be. So I have periodic depressions. Also, finding a purpose for my life becomes extremely difficult as well… and some other issues.

But the fortunate thing is: being stuck in long-term miserable emotional roller coaster, the smallest thing they do can move me. Oh, the little things they do! A small action may change your soul. Happiness, though some may be temporary, is so very real, and fulfilling… and addicting.

Of course, it was quite depressing as well at first knowing the eventual departures, but just believing that some of them do care and will come back gives me strength.

I am emptied when you are gone, and full you are present, because you are all that I have known, and all that I have owned.

It is unfortunate I feel so much more pain because of my faith, but I am also fortunate that I feel so much more joy because of it.

It is a lonely journey.

It is, you are, my faith; that is why I am faithful.

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