the misunderstanding love

People with native English tongue tend to misuse the word “love”.

It is a word that needs actions to fulfill its meaning. Most people use it to indicate that you are somewhat important in their life, but their actions definitely do not meet the original criteria for the word.

Love is not just a word to me. To my beloved friends, I mean to care, to listen, to understand, to pay attention, to know what is going on in your life, to be the best I can of what you need… your life is an extension of mine. I wish people could understand the meaning of the word and all the strength I need when I say the word. And when you say you love me, my dear friends, I assumed it would mean the same thing or at least something stronger than a word every few months…

I don’t have many close friends, because by “close friends”, I actually love these people. And of the single-digit number of friends that I consider as close friends, only two of them ask about me or talks to me almost daily.

I am insecure. I am lonely. I am constantly depressed. I finally got over the suicidal, self-injuring phase just this year. I am extremely emotional, and sometime, psychotic. At the same time, I have an extremely logical brain that restrains all the madness and suppress emotional issues. I do know I have many problems and perhaps even mental illnesses. I keep most of my problems away from my friends because my logical brain tells me a healthy friendship can not have so much negativity as people tend to get tired of other people’s problems. And yet, I write down some of the smaller problems somewhere hoping they would find it, and hoping they would still love me when they find it.

I need attention. I don’t mean to be a star. I just need a little bit of attention each day from the people I love. Say “hi” to tell me you are still in my life. Because I am constantly scared of doing something wrong to lose you, just as how I can’t just tell you I need you and scare of losing you so I write on a blog that no one reads.

I need attention, but I know I am crazy so the logical thing to do is to keep my distance, and wait for you to discover me.

I wish to know you better. I love you and wish you can be the back of my hand. I would tell you anything if you ask, but I won’t ask too much about you to make you uncomfortable. I think if you want to let me know, you will…

I wish to know you better…

You said you love me. I love you too… much. I think there’s a bit of misunderstanding here.


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