simply journal

I am really tired.

I am physically tired. I am working two jobs Monday to Sunday. I chose this, so I only have myself to blame.

I am tired of having so little time to do what was planned.

I am tired of not knowing what to live for and having so little motivation for everything.

I am tired of how I just can’t say no to anyone and let them take advantage over me, and I end up doing everything that I don’t want to do.

I am tired of taking more responsibility than I need to.

I am tired of feeling the need to be needed, from anyone, because the people I love don’t need me.

I am tired of being alone all the time and yet, I am just incapable of letting new people into my heart.

I am tired of waiting for the people I love to love me back, or to care more about me.

I am tired of having to need the attention of the people I love.

I am tired of how I can’t properly express myself.

I am tired of how I just can not let go of this one-way adoration that I have had for years even without her presence.

I am tired of wanting to shut everyone out and yet, I have the compulsive need to share things.

I am tired of how I can’t talk to my friends about anything, so I share online with strangers, and at the same time, hoping someday they will read it too.

I am tired of how I can’t share my pain with anyone, because they only drive people away.

I am tired of how I find myself echoing with quotes like this: “20% of the people don’t care about your problems, the other 80% are glad you have them.”

I am tired of putting on a smile everyday, when truly, I am in misery.

I am tired of how I want to just let out everything, and there’s no outlet.

I am tired of feeling so much emotion everyday, every moment from everything I see, I touch, I encounter.

I am tired of how no one can understand me.

I am tired of how I have the compulsive need to do things “the right way”, when truly, everything is just a mess.

I am tired of how I want to jump in front of the train every single day I take the train to work and home.

I am tired of how I don’t have courage to take my own life and wish something to happen to me, and the only thing I can do is fill the compulsive need to hurt myself so I cut myself.

I am tired of myself.

I am tired of how I can’t find anything to like about me.

I am tired of my insecurity.

I am tired of how I can’t be entirely selfish and just live my own life.

I am tired of life.