simply journal: change, the next step

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How many days do we have left to be doing what we hate? And how many days do we have left to be doing what we love?

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Why is the first step to change always so difficult and so frightening?

I am often stuck in the thought of change. It is not only the fear for the unknown that’s stopping my next step, but also the fear of losing what I already have. Even though I hate where I am, I still can’t help to think – what if this turns out to be the right path for me and I just don’t know it yet?

At the beginning, “this will do for now” and “this is only temporary” were the things I told myself everyday. And then it became, “it’s not too bad” or “I can do with this.” Then feeling the frustration and emptiness each and everyday until I almost crashed, I realized I’ve compromised everything and accepted what I hated.

It hit me really hard. This probably wasn’t the right path for me, but it’s our nature to adapt the environment to survive. It is becoming the “right path” for me… or worse, I am becoming the “right person” for this path. I can’t tell who or what is changing any more.

“Successful people don’t change for the world, the world change for them”, I heard this somewhere… But not everyone can change the world or even just the surrounding, and not everyone wants to change what’s around them. At least I don’t – not this place.

Perhaps it’s a luxury to have what I want. Well, I know it is. But everyday, I walk the same road, take the same train, sit at the exact same spot in the office, and feel my soul getting colder because I can’t remember the difference between yesterday and the day before. And sometimes, I don’t even remember going through the days at all.

I think our desire to change started with the feeling of how we are not really happy or satisfied with where we are and what we have. Feeling the frustration and stress, I think I am not ready to settle yet, not this place and not like this. I still feel something burning inside.

Perhaps it’s really a luxury to have what I want. But the pursuit is something everyone can do, isn’t it? When I put more thoughts to it and ask myself – “what is stopping you?” …, it was me all along.

It came to me that everything is all in our head, because what we do is a choice. Though sometimes seems forced, the force actually comes from ourselves. Oh, we think we have the obligation to do so many things in our lives. Being the responsible kind of people, there are just so many things we have to do, don’t we? There is just no way out, is there? IS THERE?

I think there’s a famous quote that has the answer to the problem here, “what’s the worst that can happen?”

Sometimes we have to compromise for reality in life, because some things are just the way they are and there’s nothing we can do about it. But our life style, our way of living, our pursuit for happiness… I think we can at least be honest and truthful to ourselves, or else, aren’t we dead already? What’s worse than having a dead heart?

change, changing, changed…

After so many years of living for expectations, I think I’ve finally got out of the thoughts of change and started changing. I want to learn to live for myself for a bit.

I am 23, turning 24. Some think I am still young, but I often think I am too old for anything too risky. When I handed in resignations for my two above-average-but-to-me-quite-painful jobs a month ago, I felt lost and immediately regretted, possibly… well, probably because I will be stepping into absolute uncertainty – something I get pretty anxious about.

And now, somehow I got here. I am almost at the end of the last month of stable working life. Somehow, I think I am ready to launch myself into the air and see how high I can go. I have little saving and just about no backup of any kind. I will be unemployed. I probably will crash pretty badly because I lack focus on just one single idea (with too much going on in my head, and with major emotional problems, it’s a bit hard to focus). But for now, while I still have so much to fuel this fire inside me, I want to be honest to myself and look just up. I think even if I crash really badly, when I am older, I can at least be proud that, for a while, I was true to myself without regret and I had the courage to do so…

This is the second time in my life that I, for some reasons, just snapped and am deviating from the “original plan.” I will be doing something that I actually love with hopefully no compromises.

I want to try until my heart dies, because isn’t it mental suicide if we don’t?

“The scariest moment is always just before you start” – Stephen King

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