simply journal

I wonder what friendship is like in other people’s life… or any kind of relationship. Maybe it’s because I’ve moved from places to places all my life; it feels quite lonely at the end of each day in mine.

Did I miss the chance or the age to make really good friends? I think I have a handful of people that I can call lifelong friends, but often, I find myself having no one to talk to.

It’s probably my problem too. I don’t know how to open up, as there are some scars here and there, and always come back to haunt me.

But did I miss the class on social lessons like most people have in their teens? I am the quiet one. I am the awkward one. I have a lot on my mind, but I don’t know how to share it. Yeah, I missed it.

Or maybe I just interpret the concepts of relationship all wrong. Friends do only talk a couple times a week or a month. I am supposed to be more independent but I am just the kind that naturally feels lonelier and it’s something I need to work on.

Logically and rationally, I know how things work as I have read all about it in the books and seen so much of it on the screen or just around me. But my emotions challenge me everyday on what I think I know. And they are probably both wrong. This is something I’ve never had right in my life, yet? I simply don’t know.

As I grow older with these thoughts and feelings, I feel myself losing the ability and the desire to socialize even though I haven’t even hit my “prime” yet. It has become a problem in finding employment as well. I used to be able to fake a persona that fits into workplace just fine, but I am becoming less and less patient and motivated to do so. Interviews? Hahahahaha. Sigh.

Is it a struggle? It is painful at times, but I feel like I am slowly giving up on struggling like I am just a piece of meat waiting to be cooked. At least it should taste pretty good.

Going to be an old and lonely cat lady, except I like turtles and fish more, or even just plants.

Strangely, I am not very sad. I think I am over sad; just a bit empty. Ah, strange feelings and strange thoughts for a strange strange man on a strange strange day shared on a strange blog with strangers.

Ha! Silliness…

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