simply journal

I have made up my mind on leaving graduate school. It is becoming obvious to me that I can’t finish it. Though I still very much want to finish what I had in mind for this field, I lost the passion and the motivation that got me here. Every step, every word I read in became a struggle. When I try to take a break, I feel bad for not doing anything. When I am back into it, I feel bad for failing everything I do.

I have thought a lot about it. I know what I will lose. It is admitting defeat. It means that I will lose most of the resources available for me to help me achieve my goal, and most of what I have invested here will be wasted. It struck me that perhaps I will even lose friends since I will be moving again, and I don’t know if I am coming back.

It just seemed I have so much to lose. So I hesitated for so long. It was why I was stuck in this cycle of misery.

I will be moving on from this because it’s the rational thing to do; because I don’t see myself struggling through something that I no longer enjoy for the rest of my 20s. Because in the big picture, it is okay.

I will continue to work on what I wanted to work on in this field. Come to think of it, schooling actually prevented me from working on it because of the required courses and the set path; this is for another time. Perhaps I will still reach my goal one day on my own.

I am most thankful for my parents’ support. They have sacrificed so much for my brother and me. Yet, they still support me when I fail. I think without their support, I would continue this cycle because of guilt. I think that may be why a lot of people are stuck doing what they hate – the guilt of having others spend so much effort on them. Because of my parents’ support, I know: it’s okay.

I think the most reassuring thing of all is the moment I started thinking about what to do next. As I will no longer be bonded to this, I came to realize that I am actually “free”. I wrote, as I try to come up with a list of what to do next:

Travel, write, work, sing, play, live.

Your life has no limits. It’s actually that simple.

It blew my mind.

My heart feels lighter than I expected at this moment.

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