simply journal

Friendships need maintenance. In fact, any relationship needs constant care and effort. I’ve never really hated anyone but I imagine even for enemies, I’d need to work on the reason to hate them and to fight them. Otherwise, one day I just might find myself not caring anymore.

I have felt this way before. Every time I realize that I put in the most efforts to maintain every relationship that I have, and I am always the one making the contact, I just feel so sad. I don’t think people secretly hate me, but I think they just don’t care as much.

In the meantime, I still do feel all that I think isn’t real – everyone hates me, no one wants me here, better off without me…

I am sad. I am depressed. I am lonely…. But I am just tired. I am tired of trying to get out of these feelings. I am tired of trying to be a good friend. I am trying to stay connected. I am tired of trying too hard and feeling the same things at the end of the everyday.

No, I am not going to kill myself. I made a promise. I just want to naturally fade away. Instead of saying goodbyes, I want to be forgotten. Well, of course I don’t actually want that. I just want to leave in that manner – no hassle, no drama at all.

This is how I feel today. I am seeing a friend I haven’t seen for a year tomorrow. I wonder if anything will be different.

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