simply journal

She told me:

“You should learn to love yourself first, so you know how to love others.”

I’ve always thought I only knew how to love others, but I guess don’t know that either.

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simply journal

I wonder what it is like to be on the receiving end of my fondness and affection.

Is it stressful? Is it frustrating? Is it disgusting? 

Some say, as a spectator, I am too direct with my emotions. At times, it is simply too much.

I feel like I can’t do anything right in this regard… Yet, it is so important to me…

When I am fond of you, I want to tell you. I want to share all of it… all of me with you while I still can.

It’s the irrational part of me that makes me feel like every minute might be the last. So I want to give all my love to the ones I love.

Affectionate is a kind word…

As I don’t know what I am living for, looking for love is like looking for my life’s purpose. But perhaps the nature of that is wrong already… 

I am looking for someone to live for. I am looking for someone to share everything with… How can finding someone else to rely on ever be right?

The rational part of me tells me I am looking at it wrong. Something is a bit twisted here…

But at this moment, I just feel all the sadness and depressed thoughts taking over my brain. I am a bit overwhelmed. And sadly, I can only think out loud to a space full of strangers…

I gave myself a “prerequisite” to live with when I chose not to do it the first time… and the only time.

I have to stay while the people I care about care about me too.