simply journal

What I have been struggling with the most is the line that separates selfishness and selflessness. It holds me back. I hesitate because I am terrified of what I could say and what it could do.

But eventually, at the bottom of it all, I just don’t want to feel a deep regret with the question of “what if”. I have done enough of that, haven’t I?

Why do I feel so close to you, like I’ve known you for years? And it kills me whenever I feel the distance.

I think you see straight through me. I think you are one of the very few people that actually understands me. But I still want to say the words. I want to share with you all that I feel with nothing held back because as much as I have fear in all of these, what I feel for you is just as deep and weighs just as much if not more.

I want you to know how I am simply and intensely happy when I’m with you. It’s delirious. It’s silly.

I can be vulnerable with you. I AM vulnerable when I am with you. It may sound silly and cheesy, but this simple thing is also one of the most difficult to have in life. When I am at my lowest, you can just effortlessly light up my day. When I see your smile and when I know you’re happy, I feel just as much joy with fireworks in my little world of imagination. When I am with you, nothing else seems to matter as I enjoy the simplicity and comfort of your presence.

And to me, you are my greatest motivation and inspiration. Believe it or not, you are the most supportive person in my life. You make me feel like I can do anything. Well, not just anything, I can do nothing at all and feel just as great with you by my side. Because your encouragement isn’t just for my dreams or whatnot, it’s for me to be me.

Thank you for your encouragement thus far.

I want you to know how happy you make me feel just simply being in my life like this. You bring out the best of me.

But it is a passion and it is also an obsession. What I tried to hold back and push down is also what I am most scared of unveiling.

I do think about you every day and almost every damn waking second, like an uncontrollable yet permanent background in my head. The thoughts of you affect all that I feel along with everything else that I think about. I just see you when I close my eyes. It’s both sweet and bitter. You make my days.

I wish to spend all of my time with you – watch movies we haven’t seen, eat food we haven’t tried, and go places together, as I just know you would be the best travel companion; or we simply ride the best of the rides again. I wish to share all of my life with you. When I am with you, I just feel it’s alright if we don’t know what we are doing or where we are going. It’s an adventure however. I wish to experience it all with you by my side. I wish to be part of your life as you are in mine… in such a silly way.

I do desire you. I want to be closer to you. I wish to know you even better, all the little details. I wish I am someone you will not forget.

I wish to hold your hand and run through the streets like in a cheesy romantic film, perhaps it is even musical. Even though I am a terrible dancer, I imagine dancing with you; perhaps we would step on each other’s feet and fall and laugh our asses off. I wish to hold you in my arms. I wish to be the one that you rely on… I wish I could be your angel as you are mine.

But I know that the sentiment is not mutual. I know and I do try to move on. I tried to step out of my comfort zone with all kinds of social activities – I go to random events, I visit and go out with friends a lot more, I even tried hard at online dating… But on top of the increased anxieties and exhaustion, it only got clearer how important you have become to me. Because at the end of each day or even as everything is happening, I just want to tell you all about it. And it is all that I can think about.

I have been avoiding limiting all that I feel to the definition of only one word. But I think I am running out of words… I love you. I am deeply and intensely in love with you. I know, it’s crazy… but I do, and I know, I always will to some degree.

I know it’s selfish because you don’t feel the same way and I know it. But it is a bit more than that. Please bare with me.

I want you. But I want you to be happy more. The story of fish love perhaps explains a bit. I love fish and I love it enough to leave it be.

I have come to realize I love you a lot more than my desire of you. At the end of the day, I am simply happy to have you in my life. And I care for you to be as happy as you can be. As much as it hurts, it brings me more joy and makes life worth living.

What I really thought I might regret was not that I didn’t tell you all of these. What I thought I would regret was if I keep on holding back, I would lose the honesty, eventually distance myself from you and miss out on the best things that has ever happened to me for the rest of my life. Yes, the best thing.

And what I want to do is not to move on, but to grow from all of it. It’s okay if you don’t feel as I do. I think love can’t be forced. I think regardless of all the qualities of you that I adore, I am in love with you just because I fell into it. It is irrational. There’s not much reasoning to it.

What I am trying to get at is that… I want to share with you all that I feel with nothing held back and without ever feeling like a stranger. Would you still be friends with me? Continue to share with me your awesomeness? And be honest with me even when it might hurt?