I kept thinking I should wait till my life settles down a bit to think about it again, because I feel angry and/or on edge most of the time – I should wait till I can get into a better mind space to think about this.
But I am having a lot of doubts about this relationship. Maybe way too much. Let me list it down.
1. I asked myself if I am still in love. The truth is I don’t know. I don’t know what love is anymore… I haven’t felt truly happy in a long time. But I also care enough to do and commit so much… and to try.
I also wonder if she is in love. Or I just happened to be there. Because other than verbal and some physical affection, I am not feeling much in some of things really matter and affect the partnership deeply.
2. What got me in to this relationship? What was the initial attraction? I was actually really inspired and attracted by the passion and commitment she could have to do one thing. It really amazed me… But she also hasn’t done the same since that one time at the beginning.
3. She lack life experience and can be really immature regardless of being an expat and approaching 30. Mainly because she tends to avoid challenges and conflicts. I think she admits part of this too. I think she tries harder when she is a bit more interested but she hasn’t been interested in much outside of video games.
4. She doesn’t really consider the reality of things or plan for the future much despite how she wants better things… This got us into an argument that went nowhere right before bed tonight.
I have been interviewing for high paying jobs that I really don’t like, and studying different thing for them. I am not happy and I hate my life. She said I don’t have to, and I should just look for things I want to do… But girl, the way you spend and the things you want don’t really match with your salary. You don’t want to work for it, somebody has to here, no!? I have things I want too, and you think I can afford to pay for the both of us with minimum wage jobs?
I wish I could be way more selfish as a person… for one, stop thinking like we are a team, right?!? I need to talk to her about this again.
5. It‘s not how she wants to live her life that frustrates me… it’s how she doesn’t want to try nor work hard anymore.
And truth be told, it can really affect my motivation whether I want it to or not.
Honestly, her life has been too easy from my perspective. Things have just worked out for her and she didn’t have to work too hard. And now, the series of fortunate events is coming to mediocrity, where her new job gets a little annoying (though still really easy in my eyes).
6. She complains about her job everyday. I said if she hates it, she should start to working on changing careers. But I have not seen much effort into it.
I really don’t like someone complaining about things they can control and doing nothing about it.
And I don’t like how this relationship is starting to seem like one except nothing I say or do seems to matter. I am still trying to communicate. There are definitely things I can do better. But I am afraid that perhaps one day, the only thing I can control is getting out of it.
7. We don’t have much shared interests anymore. It used to be video games. Now she is interested in drams I don’t watch and a mobile game I don’t play.
And she is obsessed with that mobile game. Almost every waking moment in the past month now. I hope she stopped at work when I reminded that she shouldn’t be distracted while taking care of preschool kids… she really should change jobs. And I feel like that game just might be the last straw at some point.
I do try to do things together with her.
We watch movies or videos together, but there’s not a time when she is not distracted, sometimes even if she picks the movie, she can be on her phone. It can be quite annoying when I keep having to rewind.
Games? Not really. She isn’t interested in any of the games I play… strategy, action rpg, puzzle, lol, adventure… And even games she got me into, she just stopped playing as she lost interests really fast… I was close to beating Elden Ring the second and 99% on Hogwarts Legacy…
Go out? We can’t afford anything nice right now. We also usually end up being on our phones. There’s not much to talk about anymore. She is not interested in anything I want to do or say, and she usually ends up complaining about her friends or her job. And I am starting to lose interest in listening to her talk about Chinese or Korean dramas that even she is only half watching…
I am just now thinking maybe she has an attention span problem.
8. She is easily jealous. The only people I can even talk to without her being a little triggered is my parents and my brother.
I tried… I ended up losing most of my friends, female friends, especially.
I have talked to her about it before. She said she’d work on it. I am not sure how much longer I can wait when I can’t just go watch a movie with my buddy without having to bring her (and she wasn’t really interested to begin with), or I have to hide when my friends that she doesn’t like message me so she wouldn’t feel uncomfortable.
(I wasn’t hiding before, but she was always in a mood that ruins the day if she saw the messages. She had nothing to say because those were completely normal messages to/from both male and female friends, but she’d just be upset.)
And it’s not fair. From the beginning, I don’t care how she has a life of her own. She just went on a two-day trip to Disney with her friend this past weekend. I just said have fun and be safe… I think it’s completely normal and healthy to have a social life and I don’t think I would ever limit that. I just feel frustrated how I’ve needed to limit mine for her happiness, and lost many friends.
I really don’t think it’s normal. At the least, this is not quite how I want to live my life.
9. There are a lot of little things and a lot of ways that people can be different. And our ways of living are completely different in some very important ways… and I feel like I have compromised so much more just because I am more considerate; and for some, I am too tired and gave up.
She is messy with a lot of bad habits. I like it clean and organized. I think having hair all over the floor is one thing. That is normal human shedding. But leaving trash all over, and not having the habit to clean regularly is a big no. Do we not live together? Even most of my college roommates were better than this.
Sometimes I really think I should have taken this red flag to heart when I went to her apartment and it was so messy that there were dead bugs and roaches among the trash on the floor.
There are also a lot of little things like healthy eating, exercise, air conditioner usage, energy saving and living standards… all of which I’ve compromised..
… I personally prefer healthy life style with a higher living standard within budget.
10. How we live is one thing, how we think is another. We have similar views on politics and how we don’t want kids. But we differ in some major and possibly-life-changing things that will come up later in life – marriage, retirement, financial management, and the pursuit of happiness and dreams.
For me, I can do without marriage and without societal recognition on my relationship unless it benefits the relationship or me. But she is traditional with huge American capitalist influence on the concept and the ceremonials.
For me, even when I am retired, I want to work for myself – open a restaurant and/or a hostel or something. Maybe a community-center-like place where people can learn for free. She wants a big house with a gazebo. Period.
For me, I haven’t had the luck most of my life on top of some poor choices, but I have been trying my best to manage my money. And I didn’t know until lat year when I went through it with her that she made way more than I did for about 5 years but have less savings and no investment of any kind..!? And now, she is still spending the same way and making less.
For me, I think I just want to be simply and genuinely happy. But I can’t, so I want to be at least on the path to do thing I want to do. She is done with that. I asked her. She straight up don’t have any dreams or goals. I said if she wants a big house and a huge garden then she should have the goal of money to make that happen. But she said she doesn’t feel motivated to do that…
11. What are we doing? I ask myself this too many times lately. And I wonder if she even thinks about it.
I think we are too different that we need a lot of efforts to keep it together and grow together.
Right now, I am still trying. I am not sure why anymore but I am trying.
I hope, when I have the time and the mind space to thin about it, it’s not the laziness to get out that’s keeping me here.
12. One of my biggest doubts is that she can’t seems to grasp my deeper thoughts. One thing I like about her is how simple she can be and enjoy the moment.
But I find it difficult to have deep conversations with her. Whether if it’s my emotional journey, my philosophical thoughts, or simply my creative ideas. I haven’t gotten much meaningful feedback.
And the thing that frustrates me the most is how I can’t have rational conversations nor share emotional turmoils because the lack of comprehension or sometimes just attention… and I don’t have anyone to talk to because I’ve lost most of my friends.
13. Another one of my biggest doubts is actually physical. I don’t feel like getting intimate with her and haven’t been for a while. I don’t feel like sex is a big deal for me, but also feel off about it.
Yes, it still works. But I didn’t feel much enjoyment the last time we did it.
I think a lot of it may be emotional towards the situation… I have been constantly stressed, angry and on edge but have to keep it under control. I am emotionally exhausted.
Some of it may be from the frustration towards her for all the little things
And some of it may be from me hating myself being in the situation and somehow hating my body with slight sign of eating disorder… I am aware and am trying to steer away.
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Let’s think of some things that are good.
1. She is sweet and supportive; not quite in action, but at least verbally and especially when she thinks of it.
2. She is kind and loving.
3. She is easily satisfied.
4. She lives in the moment.
5. She is simple and can be, simply, happy.
6. When she is interested, she can be extremely committed and determined.
7. She shares everything, which can be cute and sweet.
I think there are more but right now, maybe I am too tired and upset… and nervous (about a very important interview tomorrow) to think of more.
I do wish we didn’t get into an argument before we went to bed.
KHL Journal 